It's a little amazing (or is it?) that this transition to a new living situation has descended into banality so quickly. Has life become routine already, or is my buffer of extreme pragmatism sheltering me from the emotional reality of my situation?
Like I've said, Vancouver was a bit of a dream; easy access to beautiful beaches, private DJ parties, bike routes galore and organic produce just blocks away. And boobs. Oh yes, there were boobs.
And now it's a different life; potlucks and strategy games and re-runs of Entourage. My new simple pleasures. Whenever I balk that I must once again borrow Mom's car, I remember the times I had to borrow from Visa to pay rent and welcome my new path of practicality. And take joy in my new simple pleasures.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
The In-Between Time
I hate waiting. That's all I seem to be doing these days; waiting for school to start, waiting for my resumes to bring job interviews, waiting for interviews to bring a job, waiting for paperwork to come through so I can finish student loan applications. Waiting.
It's times like these I realize how much I am often ruled by my emotions. While there is a good chance things will work out it the end, the niggling uncertainty hiding in all these situations is adding up to one big seething ball of doubt. What if? What if? What if? Some burdens can be dispelled with some deep breathing, a cup of tea and a Rumi poem, but I may just have to slug my way through this bundle of shadows. But what, how, when, why - I am headless.
I made a list. Jotted a little checklist of things I could do. This blog was one of them. As far as things I could do to ensure my future security go, it's fairly minor. But it's something. A little ferret pulled from the churning pile of vermin hiding somewhere between my hope and my cockles. Later, I can mow the lawn.
So this is it. A slight easing, some minor progress, a bit of forward momentum. One minute at at time. Lord. One minute at a time.
It's times like these I realize how much I am often ruled by my emotions. While there is a good chance things will work out it the end, the niggling uncertainty hiding in all these situations is adding up to one big seething ball of doubt. What if? What if? What if? Some burdens can be dispelled with some deep breathing, a cup of tea and a Rumi poem, but I may just have to slug my way through this bundle of shadows. But what, how, when, why - I am headless.
I made a list. Jotted a little checklist of things I could do. This blog was one of them. As far as things I could do to ensure my future security go, it's fairly minor. But it's something. A little ferret pulled from the churning pile of vermin hiding somewhere between my hope and my cockles. Later, I can mow the lawn.
So this is it. A slight easing, some minor progress, a bit of forward momentum. One minute at at time. Lord. One minute at a time.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Transitions
Moving back to the prairies is a lot like slipping into a cozy old sweater. It's comfortable and familiar and stretched out and misshapen in all the places you stretched out and misshaped over the years and it fits like only a cozy old sweater can fit.
Except somehow I was under the illusion that, I dunno, maybe I'd gotten taller since I last wore it, or my arms were a lot longer, or maybe I just wasn't a sweater person anymore. Maybe I thought it would always be summer and no one would wear sweaters ever again.
I've always disliked the name "Lotus Land." It's like a nickname someone chooses for himself and is the only one to actual use it. But yeah, the last six years were like an opium dream, sensual, magical, hazy and indulgent. I saw more boobs in an average month than in three years back home. Even in winter. It was easy to forget that it was a real city with real-world requirements. Opportunities floated by with such frequency it was hard to choose which ones to hold on to. The more dreams became real, the less dream-like they became, the more they started looking like a heck of a lot of work, and the more tempting it became to roll over and go back to sleep, wait for a new dream.
It has been a long time since I've had anything resembling structure in my life. This current period of transition is pretty much just a variation on a continuing theme. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the curse of modern life. Maybe it's the life longed for by those locked into regular, regimented routines, slowly stifling under strict schedules. Maybe I don't know how good I've got it.
Oh I've had fun. I drank deep of the Lotus' Nectar. And I'm having fun now. There's no friend like an old friend and this city is filled with old friends. Here I am, living in a comfortable home in a comfortable city and still able to reach into the dream world and play with the faeries in the Land of Nod (translation: I can live here and still keep in touch with my friends on the coast through email and such). Soon I will have no time for existential crises, so now is as good a time as any to have one.
If you want to send pictures of your boobs, it would help a lot.
keen.nietzsche@gmail.com
Except somehow I was under the illusion that, I dunno, maybe I'd gotten taller since I last wore it, or my arms were a lot longer, or maybe I just wasn't a sweater person anymore. Maybe I thought it would always be summer and no one would wear sweaters ever again.
I've always disliked the name "Lotus Land." It's like a nickname someone chooses for himself and is the only one to actual use it. But yeah, the last six years were like an opium dream, sensual, magical, hazy and indulgent. I saw more boobs in an average month than in three years back home. Even in winter. It was easy to forget that it was a real city with real-world requirements. Opportunities floated by with such frequency it was hard to choose which ones to hold on to. The more dreams became real, the less dream-like they became, the more they started looking like a heck of a lot of work, and the more tempting it became to roll over and go back to sleep, wait for a new dream.
It has been a long time since I've had anything resembling structure in my life. This current period of transition is pretty much just a variation on a continuing theme. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the curse of modern life. Maybe it's the life longed for by those locked into regular, regimented routines, slowly stifling under strict schedules. Maybe I don't know how good I've got it.
Oh I've had fun. I drank deep of the Lotus' Nectar. And I'm having fun now. There's no friend like an old friend and this city is filled with old friends. Here I am, living in a comfortable home in a comfortable city and still able to reach into the dream world and play with the faeries in the Land of Nod (translation: I can live here and still keep in touch with my friends on the coast through email and such). Soon I will have no time for existential crises, so now is as good a time as any to have one.
If you want to send pictures of your boobs, it would help a lot.
keen.nietzsche@gmail.com
Confession
Forgive me, Blogosphere, for I have sinned. It has been two years since my last post.
Let's see... Oh yeah, so I did my dream job at the video store for a while, that was cool, watched lots of movies. Lots. Met a lot of people in the neighbourhood. Slacked off. So, yeah, when the Great Video Store Purge of '08 came, I was out on my ass. Ended up working as a telephone fundraiser, poorly, and just enough to cancel my measly EI allowance. Decided to go back to school, which is good but won't pay off for another two years. Two years. Two more years of being broke but at least I'm in good company, which misery loves, as much as misery can love anything, I suppose.
I've lived pretty hedonistically for the last few years, but I've always had a good excuse and an inflated sense of my abililty to "get down to brass tacks" when the time came. Now is about the right time to get down to those tacks, but I'm still adjusting to the move so I'm giving myself time to just hang out and have fun with my friends for a while. Next week I'll be all business.
Work, fun, yeah that about covers the past two years. Don't want to bog you down with details, or maybe I just don't remember them.
So what do I do now, play 30 rounds of Bejewelled2 or how does this work?
Let's see... Oh yeah, so I did my dream job at the video store for a while, that was cool, watched lots of movies. Lots. Met a lot of people in the neighbourhood. Slacked off. So, yeah, when the Great Video Store Purge of '08 came, I was out on my ass. Ended up working as a telephone fundraiser, poorly, and just enough to cancel my measly EI allowance. Decided to go back to school, which is good but won't pay off for another two years. Two years. Two more years of being broke but at least I'm in good company, which misery loves, as much as misery can love anything, I suppose.
I've lived pretty hedonistically for the last few years, but I've always had a good excuse and an inflated sense of my abililty to "get down to brass tacks" when the time came. Now is about the right time to get down to those tacks, but I'm still adjusting to the move so I'm giving myself time to just hang out and have fun with my friends for a while. Next week I'll be all business.
Work, fun, yeah that about covers the past two years. Don't want to bog you down with details, or maybe I just don't remember them.
So what do I do now, play 30 rounds of Bejewelled2 or how does this work?
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